By Annie Cruz
Vivid Radio Host / Hip-HopVibe.com Contributing Writer
Don’t let anyone take you for a fool this month of April. We’ve asked Nicoletta Heidegger, marriage and family therapist and sexologist some questions we know that you’ve been wanting the answers to about sexual harassment and other related subjects.
With her background in human sexuality, and through her private practice, Nicoletta is knowledgeable about the habits of politicians, adultstars and ordinary people. Now here’s your chance to get smart and hear the answers from a pro.
To hear more from Nicoletta, just tune into her Sluts & Scholars (S&S) show on VividRadio.com or on SiriusXM channel 415. Listeners can call in on Thursdays to talk to Nicoletta and her co-host Simone from 2-3pm PT at 855 99 VIVID. In addition to the live show on Thursdays, a previously recorded S&S podcast will air on Tuessdays on VividRadio in the same time slot.
Read the entire interview below:
I’m concerned about being tagged for sexual harassment. How do I make sure that a woman knows that I’m just being flirty and not trying to harass her? Even if you aren’t “trying” to harass someone, you might still be doing just that. I feel that if you have to ask this question or clarify this, then you are probably struggling with some appropriate boundaries. I do get that in the media today, there are unfortunately not many preventative resources for young men to learn how to express their wants, needs, and desires in an appropriate way. A few things to ask yourself before you flirt with someone:
– What is your reason for saying something?
– Would you be offended if someone said this to you, your mother, or another person you
love and respect?
– Would this flirty remark build trust and safety with this person?
– Can you instead compliment them on their professional achievements as opposed to just
their appearance?
– Are you trying to express respect or just feel powerful?
– Would I say this to a male coworker? If not, maybe start with something more respectful
and appropriate.
– Am I looking for an end goal or am I just trying to be nice? If you are expecting a certain
reaction and will be upset and continue trying if you don’t get it, maybe don’t say
anything in the first place.
* If you don’t get a response or the response is negative, drop it. If the person clearly gets
uncomfortable, says they don’t like what you said, or ignores you, this is not an invitation
for more unwanted attention except for, “I’m sorry. NO problem” Then, leave them
alone.
Lastly, educate yourself. Find resources, books, and groups that support and empower women so
you can learn more!
What kind of signal should I look for from a woman before I attempt physical contact? In most cases, it is better to get clear verbal consent. Don’t assume you know what a physical signal is saying. Practice some ways (on your own) of asking to kiss/touch someone you are mutually interested in. Silence, or lack of resistance, is not clear consent.
How do you tell someone you love being with them but don’t want to expand the relationship any further? If you know this going into it, tell them what you are looking for/not looking for. I say just tell them straight up in a nice way. Here’s an example: “I think you are wonderful, and I have really enjoyed spending time together. I really like what we have physically, but I am not looking for anything committed. How do you feel about that?” Remember that some may think that they can convince you otherwise or change your mind. Stay kind, but clear in your boundaries and unfortunately, they may not want the same thing! But – maybe they do!
How do you tell your partner that you think he/she is giving you a sexually transmitted infection? I personally think it is so important to have a conversation before you hook up or get physical with someone. Ask them- “When was the last time you were tested?” Tell them about any of your sexual health information (i.e. do you currently have an STI and how are you managing it?) and share when you last got tested. Find out what safer sex methods you plan to use (condoms, birth control, etc). Start learning to have a shame free conversation about safer sex and include it in your foreplay!
That being said, stuff happens! If you are sexually active, you will probably get an STI at some point in your life, and most of them (yes, even HIV) are either treatable or not a big deal as long as you stay informed, manage them, and get regular check-ups. Just be honest, tell them sooner rather than later, take responsibility, and offer support and resources- and make sure you get support and resources to deal with any feelings of shame or health concerns.
Catch Annie Cruz on Vivid Radio, Sirius XM channel 415 hosting “The Dirtiest Girl in the World” from 1:00 to 2:00 pm and on VividRadio.com.
Follow Hip-HopVibe.com on Twitter @HipHopVibe1.
